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lightbringer

pages 1 - 5

0. So:There is a village at the far edge of the world where the people return to the same life each time they die. Endlessly, they forget and live each of their lifetimes as though it’s their first. They climb the mountains, and fish in the frozen lakes, and eat what the forest provides. They are improbably happy, and they pray to no one.Except for once, each year, when the light fades.They live on the fulcrum between chaos and existence, you see, and each year, as chaos creeps its way across the sky, the people recall the light and beckon it back into existence.I’ve never heard this story told outside our village, but my friend, it concerns you as well as us. Your life is also forfeit to the Lightbringer who mended the chaos, and to the chaos who breathed the Lightbringer to life.
It’s a story that could as easily have ended another way.1. The Village at the End of the WorldThis cycle, it began when a young man moved into town. No footpath led to this village; there wasn’t even a dot on a map showing it existed. It had been so long since a stranger had come that the previous person to have arrived had lived and died, and those who met him had also lived and died, and been resurrected, and lived and died, and lived again, and forgotten him.When this man appeared, with his battered face and a past-broken leg that caused him to walk with a limp, he created a stir. He moved into the house on the hill above the town, and everyone in the village crowded in to greet him. He met them all with a lopsided smile that faded with each successive guest he entertained. In a matter of days, he fell quiet. His smiles became rare and oddly precious to them. No one could say why, but their hearts warmed when they saw his eyes curve into crescents and his head tilt back with laughter. They craved it like the flower craves the sun.Despite his apparent disappointment with them, the villagers returned to the house on the hill many times. If you asked, they would tell you it was because they wanted to make him smile again, and perhaps they were convinced he was a witch, or at least a seer. But their newcomer rarely smiled, and he never made a single proclamation nor cursed a single sheep. He merely listened to his visitors as though he had all the time in this world and in the next. The villagers were perplexed. How could a young man be so idle? And so patient?What they wouldn’t tell you, the truth which hung heavy in each of their hearts, was that they also kept visiting because they wanted to make sure the newcomer survived.There’s something you should know about this village. Here, at the ragged edge of existence, the darkness that cyclically swept into this town drew monsters. Like ocean waves depositing flotsam on the shore, this darkness washed upon the light and left… things.Sometimes they were terrifyingly half-formed, monsters unable to bridge the distance between the void and the light. Twisted like the village’s newcomer, but even more so, so deformed that their insides breathed on the outside and their limbs reached into their bodies rather than outward. Sometimes the monsters were huge and powerful, and the only thing that kept the whole village from being eaten were the lanterns that bled soft, captured sunlight into the dark.This was why the villagers continued their visits. The hill house was so far from the lights of town, they feared the monsters would come in the night and take their newcomer away.One woman, a grandmother with her hair pulled into a tight bun and heavy skirts protecting her frail legs, came every day. She brought food that she and the visitor ate together, and small trinkets that the young man gathered on his fireplace mantel and often stared at for hours after she left.“We have to call you something, boy,” she said one day, giving him a half-toothed smile. “Now that you’re one of us.”The young man was reluctant to give a name. Or perhaps he couldn’t.The woman didn’t mind. “That’s all right. We’ll call you Ashe.”She had no way of remembering why naming him would cause tears to spring to his eyes as he nodded in agreement. She couldn’t remember him. None of the villagers could. It was part of his curse. Part of their blessing.When he ventured into town, Ashe was greeted by friendly shop owners whose wool came from the sheep grazing just outside of town, whose fruits and pine nuts came from the trees that crowded the streets.“A handsome young man like you,” the owner of one shop said. “You must’ve had so many opportunities in the real world. Why come all the way here?”The “handsome” was obligatory. No one would dare call such a rich, considerate person hideous.Ashe gave the man a polite smile.“I’m waiting for an old friend.”“Are you sure you’re in the right place? Aside from you, no one has moved in or out of this town in a hundred cycles or more!”“They’ll be here,” Ashe said with more conviction than he felt.In truth, he didn’t know if this person would come. He was certain they still lived. He was equally certain they wouldn’t remember him. But after all his wanderings, Ashe had nowhere left to be. So he settled down and waited.For years he waited, through one cycle and through the next. Each cycle, the shadows grew longer, and the darkness came sooner.And each cycle, the villagers begged him to join the Lightbringer Festival. Specifically, they invited him to play a certain role.“It’s tradition,” the town’s organizer said. “You only have to live together for a year, and you don’t have to be really married, you know. And the prettiest young women always sign up to do it! I heard even the Valiant’s daughter is going to put her name in this year.”You might laugh or call these villagers naïve when you realize they don’t remember why they do this ritual. You might find it odd that they don’t believe in gods yet know, in the deepest parts of their souls, that they must do the ritual each cycle on the day of total darkness that comes when the sun is at its nadir.The Lightbringer Festival. A holiday to celebrate not only what gives them light, but that which sustains the entire heavens and Earth.Ashe was stunned to hear the festival talked of in such a casual manner. It had been too long, and the curse had dug deep into their bones. Always, the darkness grew more powerful.Each cycle, Ashe declined the offer and watched the other villagers pair off.Sometimes the marriages stuck, sometimes they broke apart. That wasn’t the point. The point was the tradition.The ritual continued, but something about it had broken. The light waned more each cycle.The chaos clawed its way back.“Please,” the Valiant himself begged on the tenth cycle after Ashe had arrived in the village. “We can’t keep marrying the same people off; you know it’s not working. There must be another way.”The young man, whose face and body had not changed since he had arrived, nodded sagely. “There will be,” he assured. But in his heart, he was losing hope.2. The Stranger and the MonsterAnd then a new stranger came to town.Ashe felt the quiet clamor as the village gathered to watch the stranger’s arrival. A shiver of nerves trailed up his spine. He emerged from his lonely house to watch them; they were surrounded by the villagers but undisturbed by their scrutiny.Ashe’s steps froze when the stranger turned to meet his gaze. His chest tightened; he didn’t dare to breathe as the person he’d hoped for finally looked upon him.The stranger’s eyes were exactly the same as Ashe remembered. Deep brown, with gold flecks that seemed to glow when he smiled.The stranger’s eyebrows raised, and his mouth started to open in a greeting Ashe desperately did not want to hear. Not in this body.Shame filling him, he fled. He didn’t wait long enough to see the stranger’s face fall nor to see his brow furrow. He didn’t wait to see the stranger step into the old, abandoned flower shop on the main street, tired and dilapidated after so many years of disuse.In truth, no one could remember the last time that old shop was inhabited. Well, Ashe could. But Ashe had disappeared, and no one had thought to ask him.Ashe was gone. The old grandmother who visited every day came late the next morning and found the house abandoned. The gifts she had given him, arranged lovingly on the mantel, were the only sign that anyone had lived there in the past eleven cycles: a spinning top, a tiny wooden bird, and a smooth-worn puzzle of interlocking rings. Only the small, swirling black stone she’d gifted to him was gone.In stark contrast to the dreariness of the hill house, the stranger’s flower shop became a beacon of light. His smile and charm drew people to his store as though it was the one speck of warmth in the entire mountain valley. The shop even glowed brightly in the dread dark when other shops had to ration their supplies of stored sunlight. The stranger himself seemed to glow from within, lighting his lamps with ease and brightening the street with his presence.When the villagers asked how he could possibly grow flowers in such a cold, dark place, he only smiled benignly. It was his blessing to them.Very few realized that the stranger wasn’t working alone. In fact, much of his success came from the helper who appeared on his front step only days after he moved in. The boy was also a stranger. On the day he appeared, the grandmother was working in her woolen shop across the street. She watched him pass by, his affect purposeful. She was about to call out to the boy when she saw one of her neighbors nearly collide with him without noticing.
The boy waved at her and put his finger to his lips.She nodded.He turned to face the door of the flower shop, gathering his courage, but just as he lifted his hand to knock, it opened.He startled back, almost tripping down the step, but a strong hand gripped his arm, stopping him from falling. He looked up to find warm brown-gold eyes looking down at him, crinkling with a smile.The young boy’s heart thumped, beating for the first time in centuries. He loathed the moment the stranger let go of him.“Sir,” he said meekly, “I saw you were setting up a new shop. Is there anything I can do to help?”Another neighbor walked past, greeting the stranger without acknowledging the boy. At this, the stranger’s smile deepened, making the boy’s stomach flip.“I do need help repairing the roof,” he said thoughtfully. “Do you know anything about thatching?”The boy knew. Of course he knew. And if he hadn’t known, he would have learned. He nodded enthusiastically.“All right,” the stranger said indulgently, “Let’s go gather some straw.”And so began the young boy’s daily ritual of visiting the stranger. He was as mysterious as the stranger himself, coming from nowhere and leaving trails of almost-tangible brightness wherever he went.The young boy seemed unaware of the effect he had on the valley around him. He didn’t see the way the stranger smiled at his retreating back or basked in his light as he skipped down the street on his way home at the end of each day. If he’d known, he might not have returned so easily.The stranger kept quiet. He would recognize this person anywhere, with or without the light. But the boy wouldn’t trust him, not yet. So the stranger let the boy pretend. He let the boy return each day; let him relearn how to be with the stranger.Finally, on a day deep into that cycle’s period of encroaching darkness, the boy risked asking the stranger why he had come to this village.“I was told a long time ago that if I came back here, my friend would meet me,” the stranger said, eyes soft as he arranged a bouquet of flowers in a crystal vase. “I want things to be ready when he arrives.”The boy’s heart leaped.The dark lengthened again, and soon, much sooner than last cycle, the darkness claimed dominance over the day.The village Valiant returned to the house on the hill to beg Ashe, once again, to join the ritual, but just as the old grandmother had said, the young man was nowhere to be found.The next day, the Valiant asked the stranger for his help. The stranger stood calmly behind his shop counter, clipping buds from an overeager tree.“No young lady would take me,” he said with an air of finality. “I’m sure you’ll find someone more suitable.”

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pet names:

part one: a safe place to land (pages 1 - 3)

Mithros was thoroughly distracted today.Normally when he and Samael played this game, he’d be cognizant
enough to actually help Samael with his work, but today their husband Aren had sent a note saying that he’d be coming home early, and now Mithros couldn’t stop tensing around Samael’s cock, buried deeply inside his ass, in anxious anticipation of the moment when Aren would walk through the door.Earlier, he’d heard quick footsteps walking down the hall and
accidentally moaned, but Samael had clapped a hand over his mouth and the footsteps had retreated quickly.“You might lose before our husband even arrives, mia,” Samael had whispered with a wicked smirk. But Mithros had felt Samael’s cock twitch inside of him and had known his husband was struggling, too.In all the times they’d played, they’d actually only finished the game once. Samael had cheerfully and immediately accepted his punishment for losing, sinking down onto Mithros so quickly that Mithros had realized he’d been hoping to lose.Now, Mithros sat in Samael’s lap and stifled his groans every time Samael moved—usually to pick up a new scroll—or adjusted Mithros’s position. His girth dragged against Mithros’s sensitive insides. He was so big; the reminder made Mithros’s mouth water. Samael had to reach his arms around Mithros to read, and the brush of his robes against Mithros’s wrists and the trail of his long hair over Mithros’s shoulder burned. Mithros had been on edge for the past hour with no sign of Aren’s return aside from the scare when the hapless servant had wandered down the hall.Samael acted unperturbed. But beneath his calm exterior, Mithros could feel his husband’s excitement like a puddle of warmth in his own stomach. It filled him. Thanks to his and Samael’s spiritual connection, when Mithros and Samael were feeling the same thing, Mithros’s own feelings were magnified. He knew that at least half the unbearable need filling his belly right now came from Samael.“Eshe,” he said, “you’re really so excited that your husband could walk in on us at any moment?”Samael pretended not to understand. “My husband is already here,” he rumbled. He wrapped a hand around Mithros’s waist. Such a sweet-talker, saying whatever he thought it would take to make Mithros even more eager.“And I am certainly excited to have him back.” He lifted Mithros a little, pretended to shift his robes, then lowered Mithros back down, sinking somehow deeper inside. Mithros let out a fragile “Ah!” but otherwise managed to stay quiet. He tried to relax, but emptying his mind of thoughts only brought to the fore the sensation of Samael’s minute movements. He pressed his lips to Samael’s cool cheek for comfort.Samael shifted again to pick up a new scroll and with the deeper angle, his cock pressed deliciously against that bundle of nerves inside Mithros.“Ah, mhm, ohmygod yes,” Mithros hissed. He couldn’t help the arch in his back nor the small whimpers as Samael dropped the scroll to hold Mithros’s waist even tighter with one hand and cover Mithros’s mouth with the other. Being restrained by the larger demon was intoxicating, melting Mithros’s mind into something simple and needy. Shocks of pleasure pulsed through Mithros’s limbs as he braced against Samael’s restraint. The demon’s cock pushed against that sensitive spot, the feeling enhanced by Mithros’s squirming. The heat radiating from his gut built and built as he panted and whined against Samael’s hand.Samael pulled Mithros flush against him somewhat roughly, back to chest, and his teeth grazed Mithros’s ear. Mithros shivered, delighted.“Cheating,” Samael whispered, hoarse. “Stop moving.”Through their spiritual connection, Mithros sensed Samael’s growing desperation with a surge of pride. “You cheated first,” Mithros said, though truly he couldn’t remember who had started it this time.This was why they never finished the game.Mithros couldn’t quite remember when they’d first devised the game, only that he ached when he couldn’t be close to Samael like this. Samael missed it, too, whenever Mithros was gone. He’d been gone for a few weeks to see his sibling, the god Mitra. As usual, that had meant doing the god’s work for them while Mithros himself remained the most reviled water demon known to humans or gods.Samael had dragged Mithros to the office the moment Mithros returned from his trip, saying he needed help doing paperwork. Mithros, of course, had known exactly what that meant and hadn’t bothered to hold in his excited tremors when Samael hauled him into his lap.Samael was even more vilified than Mithros; he couldn’t leave their territory without the heavens interpreting his movements as a declaration of war. Samael’s suffering was worse, Mithros thought; at least Mithros could have the distraction of seeing new places when he couldn’t be close to his husbands.He trembled again at the squeeze of Samael’s hand around his waist, making him feel so small and safe, then tried to focus on the scroll before them. Samael picked it up again to read. It was a complaint from a nearby human village about their river being dirtied by “corpses” (many of the residents in the ghostly domain were technically dead bodies, but Mithros found the term disrespectful) and requesting help to address the problem.“Luckily we have a water demon right here,” Samael said. He hooked his chin over Mithros’s shoulder. “What does mia suggest?”Mithros had just begun to mutter some nonsense about a water-cleansing “curse” (he was a demon, after all, so even his helpful spells were technically curses) when, once again, he heard the echo of footsteps in the hall. He froze mid-sentence.It wasn’t a false alarm. Those were undoubtedly the footsteps of the Golden God, His Highness Aren the Just. Or, as Samael and Mithros called him: airi, love. They were unhurried, yet quick and light, conveying the easy grace of a confident young man…or, in Aren’s case, a centuries-old god.Gripped with an urgent need to appear at least somewhat coherent, Mithros picked up the scroll and studied. Even though it was only a few lines. Even though Samael had already read it to him.“You’ve told him about the game, haven’t you?” Samael’s voice, so close to Mithros’s ear, sent tingles down his neck and sides. He shivered and clenched again, pulling a small grunt from Samael.“I thought you had!” he whispered back, trying to control the shaking in his hands that made the paper crinkle.“Mm, I tried,” Samael hummed. “He wouldn’t watch the recording. Said he wanted whatever it was to be a surprise.”“Well…surprise, then?” Mithros smiled, but his teeth chattered. Samael’s hand moved from Mithros’s waist to rub over his chest, pressing calming energy into Mithros’s body. It was cool, and felt unbelievably good. Mithros wondered, for the thousandth time, how he could possibly deserve this. He dropped the scroll into his lap and let his head loll, resting against Samael.Aren opened the door carrying a tray of tea. He looked beautiful, as always, golden-green eyes offset by the black-and-gold robes he always wore when working in the heavens. His long brown hair was pulled high into a ponytail.“I’m home!” he said. “Deamos gave this to me. He said he was too busy to deliver it. But of course, I also just wanted to—”He stopped when he saw their position. His gaze dropped to their disheveled robes. Then back up, and back down at the tea service.“Oh.”The word echoed in the quiet room. Was Aren upset? He couldn’t be angry—Aren would never be angry with them, only disappointed—but then a blush appeared on his cheeks, and Mithros’s worry bled into anticipation so thick that even moving to put the scroll away felt insurmountable.Aren set the tray down decisively and approached the low table where Mithros and Samael had been working, lips parted and gaze heavy. “So this is why Deamos said he was busy.”

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running mates

pages 1 - 3

Oh no.The scent that washed over Alegra when she opened the locker-room door was unmistakable. Layered over the mingled odors of shampoo and sunbaked sneakers and the briny tang of runner sweat was the familiar, intoxicating blend of wild sweet clover and warm pine sap that had tormented Alegra for months.It sparked a wave of what felt like homesickness, which quickly devolved to something needier. Alegra covered her mouth and took a step back, ready to leave as quickly as she’d entered. Ellie already knew Alegra was an alpha—Alegra had been following the National Running Council’s approved training cycle and suppressant plan that allowed her to safely compete at an elite level since before she and Ellie had become teammates five years ago, both fresh out of college.By contrast, Ellie had never registered her secondary gender. She’d never taken medication to alleviate her heats, never taken the allotted time off training, and (as far as Alegra was aware) had never told anyone about her status. She’d been running purely on suppressants since the beginning.Ellie wasn’t supposed to be in heat. But here she was, distress pheromones making it difficult to breathe in the humid room.A long, low whine ending with a whimper filled Alegra with a mix of concern and heady desire. She needed to leave before Ellie was forced to reveal her secret, before Alegra did something she couldn’t take back. Only a row of lockers separated her from her favorite person in the whole world, the person her instincts were screaming at her to scent, to mark, to take apart until only she could put the omega back together.Alegra could already imagine Ellie’s hazel eyes tearing up as she teased Ellie’s smooth, suntanned skin, hear Ellie’s impatient whines fill the room as she licked the slick from Ellie’s bare thighs, then licked higher, over her desperate, soaked entrance—“Alegra?” Ellie’s voice was rough around the edges, like she’d been crying already. “I thought you… ugh… weren’t coming to practice today.”She needed to scent this omega, her omega… Shit. “Nope! Just ran late. Sponsor meeting.” She stumbled back, fumbling for the door that had somehow closed behind her.“Wait!”Alegra froze.“Please don’t leave me.”“Ellie…”“Please.” Ellie said, a hint of panic in her huskier-than-usual voice. The wounded sound she made went straight to Alegra’s groin. A simmering warmth that Alegra shouldn’t be feeling started to build. She should get out. She shouldn’t take advantage of Ellie’s distress. And yet… “Something’s wrong with me. It hurts.”Alegra’s heart shattered. “Oh, baby. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Doing her best to ignore the rising tide of want within her in favor of pushing out the most calming scent she could manage, Alegra stepped around the corner to see Ellie doubled over on the bench, naked save for a towel wrapped around her waist. She looked up at Alegra, hazel-green eyes rimmed with red. Already full of tears that Alegra, irrationally, wanted to lick away. She stepped closer and knelt in front of the bench where Ellie sat with her head in her hands. “This is completely natural.”“Does it always hurt this much?” Ellie whispered like she was ashamed to ask.Ellie was a fierce long-distance runner who had set records on the trails and on the track. She could do a fourteen-mile training run laughing and joking the entire way. She paced their hard workouts, pulling Alegra along in her wake like it was easy, even when Alegra’s burning lungs and shaking thighs knew it was anything but.Alegra knew Ellie wasn’t afraid of pain. But she was also a creature of habit. She’d eaten the same breakfast of oatmeal and peanut butter every day for eight years, kept the same post-workout recovery rituals. Like clockwork. Reliable, familiar Ellie with her unshakable routine.This pain was unfamiliar, and clearly unanticipated; of course she wouldn’t take it well. The pain was secondary to this break in normalcy: the unknown.She put a hand on Ellie’s knee, and it wasn’t shaken off. “It can hurt, but it hurts more if it’s been suppressed for a long time.” She knew Ellie would already be aware of this, if she’d listened to even one of the lectures by their team physician. “I can get some medicine to help you through the pain. Do you want that?”Ellie swallowed audibly. Or at least, Alegra could hear it, every sense in her body tuned to the trembling of Ellie’s, the rate of her breathing, the heavy scent of her uncloaked pheromones radiating want and distress and despair. Finally, in a tiny voice, she said, “I don’t know.”“That’s okay,” Alegra said. She squeezed Ellie’s knee, tried to maintain the calming scent she was putting out, to ignore the instincts telling her that this omega was hers, hers, that she needed to take Ellie home and mark her for everyone to see.Ellie’s voice cracked as she said, “It’s over, isn’t it?”“What’s over?”“My season. My career. They warned me my suppressants were going to stop working eventually, but I didn’t think”—her breath caught on a half-whine—“I didn’t think it would happen in the middle of the season. I don’t know what to do.”Running was already hard on the body, but regular heats and ruts interrupted training to an unacceptable degree. In the past, that had led to the rampant overuse of suppressants. Few alphas or omegas competed professionally because of the damage it did to suppress their heat cycles for years (or even decades, if the runners presented young).The problem had gotten bad enough that all registered alphas and omegas were required to take four weeks off, spread throughout the year, during which they would go off all suppressants and go through their cycles with their partners, or with medication if they had no partner.
But here was Ellie, who’d somehow pushed through all logical limits, endangering herself for the sake of the sport.Alegra’s instincts were begging her to scent the poor, distressed omega before her. She touched Ellie’s wrist lightly. She didn’t try to add her own scent yet.Ellie shuddered, breathing shallow.“Sweetheart, with all due respect, your doctors fucked up. They should never have kept you on these things for so many years without a break.”Ellie made a small, hurt sound. Her pain-filled gaze paused on Alegra before she looked down. “Are you mad at me?”“What? Why should I be?”A breath. “I never told you. I—” She halted as if the words were too heavy. She curled in on herself, and Alegra’s body went taut with a mix of concern and the need to get closer, to make Ellie feel good instead of strung out.“Don’t worry,” Alegra said, “I already knew.”Ellie looked up. “How?”“I found out last year. After a hard workout. Your suppressants were wearing off, I don’t think you realized.” Alegra licked her lips, shifted a little closer. She knew she shouldn’t. If she wasn’t planning on taking advantage of Ellie, she needed to back off. Ellie’s legs parted to accommodate her. “It’s been coming through every once in a while since then, just a hint here and there. I knew it was you today because the scent was the same.”Ellie, her pheromones signaling that undertow of need that Alegra was so familiar with after years of enduring her own ruts alone, let out a long sigh that was almost a moan. “Ali,” she said, gaze going soft.Alegra was far too aware of Ellie’s bare skin flushed with heat, her small round breasts and dark nipples close enough to taste. Heart in her throat, Alegra kept going. “I ran away then. I was scared.” In fact, Alegra had been so immediately and forcefully turned on by the scent that she’d feigned a stomachache and fled before Ellie could realize the flush in Alegra’s cheeks wasn’t from pain.“Scared of me?” Ellie whispered. Her hand reached out seemingly on instinct to sweep some fly-aways from Alegra’s flushed face.Alegra took Ellie’s outstretched hand and kissed the palm. There was no resistance, only a surprised breath. “Of how much I wanted you then.”Ellie’s soft reply echoed in the empty locker room. “You… wanted me?”“Same way I want you now.”The scent of shocked omega filled the room, along with a spike of something that seared into Alegra. “But… I can’t smell anything.” Ellie’s brow furrowed. “You’re not just—mmh—not just saying that because you feel sorry for me?”Alegra swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Sweetheart, it is taking all of the energy I have left not to scent you right now. Not to mark you like you’re mine.”“Oh.” Ellie’s eyes fixed on Alegra’s, a spark in them that hadn’t been there before. She opened her mouth as if to speak, then, with a strength that caught Alegra off-guard, hauled Alegra closer and kissed her.Thrown off balance, Alegra fell forward and steadied herself with one hand on the bench, breaking off the kiss with a gasp.“Sorry!” Ellie began, “I—”Alegra didn’t wait for the rest. She pressed her thumb to Ellie’s lips, parting them slightly, and leaned in to try again. Ellie melted into the kiss like a sweet dissolving under the warmth of Alegra’s advances. Her lips parted, tongue brushing curiously against Alegra’s, and Alegra thought she might combust at the shivering heat that coursed through her at the contact. Why had no one warned her how sensitive, how spine-tingling it was to do this? She didn’t know where her lips ended and Ellie’s began, the twine of their breaths and their tongues a dizzying spell that Alegra wanted to be consumed by. It was more than she had ever expected.But it apparently wasn’t enough for Ellie, heat making her demanding. She tugged at Alegra’s shirt until Alegra broke away for long enough for Ellie to pull it over her head, and then she pulled Alegra closer, sweaty sports bra and all, to kiss her more deeply, wrapping her bare legs around Alegra’s waist—“Wait.” Alegra sat back, forcing distance between them even though every cell in her body told her not to. Ellie’s reaction had been too quick—she might simply be desperate, not that Alegra would mind being used, but… “We don’t have to do this.” Ellie didn’t need a heat partner; pain medication was an option. “You might regret it.”As soon as the words left her mouth, Alegra winced. She’d meant to remind Ellie of her options. But the words had come out wrong.“Hm?” Ellie’s eyes were glazed with her instinctual reaction to Alegra’s pheromones, but they cleared a little as she took in Alegra’s words. Then her expression morphed. “You don’t want to,” she said softly, “Oh my God, what did I do?” She let go of Alegra, sitting up painfully straight. “I’m sorry. This is… I didn’t want to force you.” Her voice was low and scratchy, and Alegra wished she could rewind thirty seconds. She wanted to make Ellie’s voice husky from crying out in pleasure, not from this.Alegra watched Ellie spiral, and a knot formed in Alegra’s stomach. She was fucking this up. “Ellie,” she tried, a bit desperately.Overwhelming washes of negative emotion mixed with Ellie’s heat pheromones. She covered her face. “Please go. I don’t know if I can… No. I’ll go. You need to shower.” She started to stand, but a wash of dizziness seemed to take over and she swayed on her feet.Before she could fall, Alegra stood and steadied her. “Baby.” She waited a beat.Ellie didn’t respond.“Wait.”“But you said—”“I meant, you don’t have to accept the first alpha you run into just because you’re in heat. We can get the medicine instead.”Ellie stared in silence for a thinly stretched moment. Then, to Alegra’s surprise, she laughed, breathy and giddy, relief suffusing the air. “You.” She leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of Alegra’s lips—“Don’t ever”—another kiss, this time to the sensitive place below Alegra’s ear, before she wrapped herself bodily around Alegra, pressing her face to Alegra’s shoulder—“call yourself some random alpha. You’re mine. Mine.” These last words were muffled, spoken while Alegra could feel Ellie’s racing heartbeat against her chest.

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the marriage visa

chapters 1 & 2

Chapter 1When he opens the profile Shi Qingxuan had texted him the week before, Xie Lian is lying on the couch, alone in his house. An untouched mug of wine sits abandoned on the coffee table, beside the fishbowl where Ruoye floats languidly in the water and occasionally unfurls his long, ribbon-like fins. Shi Qinxuan left an hour ago, but Xie Lian still can’t bring himself to move.He has no idea why he decides to pick up his phone and click on that half-smiling young woman with long black hair hanging straight down her back. It’s not that he’s lonely. He sees Shi Qingxuan all the time, they’ve been best friends since college. And he has his beta fish Ruoye, and his books. He’s content with his life. It’s not that he’s interested in dating, either. He’s been approached over the years by a few men and women (more than a few, if he believes Qingxuan), but their smiles and touches only make him vaguely uncomfortable until he manages to reassert his own space.He supposes he’s curious. About what sort of person decides to use one of these sites. About what makes them so eager to get away from home that they’ll marry a stranger to do it.The banner at the top advertises a ‘dating tour’ led by the site’s founder, “Dr. Pei Ming, Esq.” Xie Lian shudders. Shi Qingxuan had actually signed him up and paid for the tour themself before telling Xie Lian, and Xie Lian had been forced to call the poor director of the US branch, an anxious young woman in her twenties named Ban Yue who lives in Delaware, to explain why he wasn’t going to be attending such an event. He’s not sure who would be more embarrassed: himself, or the women forced to talk to him.But online, he can just talk. The other person has already accepted his chat request, sent by Shi Qingxuan when they picked out this profile last week. He opens the ‘chat now!’ box and types, deletes, types again: [Hi.]He stares at the phone for a long time before laughing at himself and setting it aside. The other person is a full thirteen hours ahead of him; while he’s wilting into the couch they’re probably out working, or visiting friends, or—he picks up the phone again—working in their art studio. He scrolls through the profile to a photo of the lady hunched over her potter’s wheel. Studies it.The photo is taken from behind, he can only just see the jut of the person’s jaw at this angle. Her back is long, and strong, Xie Lian can tell even through the shirt. Something about the pose tugs at Xie Lian. She’s clay-splattered and obviously not posing for the camera, which is probably why Shi Qingxuan had picked this person for Xie Lian to chat to. They knew he’d appreciate the candidness of this photo.He’s about to put the phone down again when it buzzes with a notification. [Hi, gege!]Xie Lian startles before his lips twitch into a smile. Some of the neighborhood kids had called him ‘gege’ when he was young, but that had been before his family had moved to America. Before everything that happened after.The other person hasn’t asked him anything, so he hovers over the keyboard trying to decide what to say. He’s just starting to type out a long, thoughtful question about her health, and the state of the weather wherever she is, when she adds another line: [I never thought I’d hear from you :)]Xe Lian peers at this line of text, trying to decipher its meaning. He gives up. [I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.]A reply comes almost immediately: [Gege could never be rude! This one only thought they weren’t interesting enough, to hold gege’s attention. Usually, men want to talk right away.]Something about the tone of that message, trying to be lighthearted and yet failing, makes Xie Lian a little nauseous. [Please don’t worry. My friend made this account for me, I didn’t check it until today. You didn’t do anything wrong.][Oh! Then, gege finds this one interesting?]Xie Lian frowns. [There’s no need to be so formal], he types, [I’m not that important.]There’s a long pause, where Xie Lian almost puts the phone away. But finally the other person answers. [Why did gege message me?]The one question Xie Lian has no real answer to. He wonders what this person, on the other side of the world and ostensibly looking for a visa to come to this country, would want to hear. He leaves his thumbs resting over the keyboard for long enough that the other peron finally replies for him.[Never mind, it’s not important. But, even if gege doesn’t plan on using the service, can he still talk to me, sometimes?]The first genuine smile he’s had all night crosses Xie Lian’s face. This question is easy to answer: [Of course. Whenever you want.]The other person seems equally enthusiastic, if hesitant. They respond almost immediately: [But, if I message you whenever I want, then sometimes it will be inconvenient. It might be in the middle of the night for you.][I don’t mind. Do you care when I text you?][No, of course not!]Xie Lian smiles again. [Then it’s fine.][Gege is too generous with his time.][No, I just have a lot of it. And besides my friend, you’re the only person I’m talking to.]He regrets his choice of words almost as soon as he hits send, because of the implications. That he’s lonely. Or that he’s exclusive.The next reply comes fast, almost automatic. [Does gege say this to every person he chats to?]Xie Lian’s face heats up. [No.] He pauses, then: [You already guessed, I’m not really here to get something from this site. I just…]Another moment of indecision. How can he explain?[I understand, gege. You want to talk to someone.]The visceral reaction he has to this message surprises him. He’s certain, immediately, that this is not true. [No, I just want to talk to you. I liked your photo.]The other person sends a blushing emoji. [You think I’m cute?][Oh, uh, I’m sure you are! Though it’s hard to judge features from a photo. But I actually liked the one of you at the potter’s wheel. I liked seeing you working on something you care about.]A long pause. [I’m going to kill Ming Yi].Oh no. [Please don’t! It’s a good photo! I’m sure they didn’t mean anything by it]. Xie Lian doesn’t want to laugh, Ming Yi might really be in trouble, but it is endearing to hear his new acquaintance so flustered.[Oh, I’m sure they did.] the other person replies.[Well. My friend picked all my photos for me, so, call it even?][Only if gege insists.]Now it’s Xie Lian’s turn to be embarrassed. Is he really supposed to insist on something to a perfect stranger? [I do.][Okay. But I’m taking the photo down, before anyone else sees it.]Xie Lian can’t say why a hint of warmth blooms in his chest at these words. [By the way,] he texts, [What should I call you? Your profile is blank]. This isn’t unusual, he’s learned; many people don’t give out their full names on this site until they feel comfortable with the person they’re talking to.[Well, I’m the third sibling in my family, so I guess you could call me San Niang.]San Niang. It’s intimate. Like a nickname a family member would use. Not a stranger. But if that’s what they want, Xie Lian will use it. [Okay. San Niang.]San Niang replies with a string of heart emojis.#They keep texting.Over the following week, Xie Lian wakes up to endless messages from his new friend talking about all the trivial things she passes on her way home from work—the cats eating food left out by friendly neighbors, the alleyways full of hanging clothes and playing children. It sounds very similar to the neighborhood Xie Lian had grown up in.He replies with photos of the birds and occasional squirrels who visit the feeder on his balcony and with videos of Ruoye which San Niang claims to need for unspecified art reasons.They text while Xie Lian is falling asleep, eyes heavy and fingers slipping from the keys so his words are only half-legible. San Niang always responds to these nonsensical messages with hearts and little crying emojis; Xie Lian doesn’t know why. But it makes him feel warm, so he doesn’t question it.They text when San Niang is frustrated with a client, or when she for some reason wants to know Xie Lian’s opinions on her art or on some philosophical discourse about aesthetics that Xie Lian knows nothing about and can only half-reply to. Though his answers always seem to please his friend.They’re texting one night, five days into their acquaintance, while Xie Lian is out with Shi Qingxuan. Qingxuan snatches the phone away, as they are wont to do, to see who Xie Lian is talking to. “Oh, you picked the pretty one!” they exclaim. The two of them are leaning against a bar, Xie Lian sipping his soda while Qingxuan is on her third glass of wine. Xie Lian retrieves his phone, but not before Qingxuan has read the latest of his and San Niang’s messages.Qingxuan’s brow furrows as they relinquish the phone. “Are you really arguing about the nature of perception right now?”Xie Lian’s face heats, and he sends a message to San Niang explaining why he won’t be answering for a bit. Then he tucks the phone away. “She wanted to know what would happen if she was actually hideous.”“But she’s not? Her photos are clearly gorgeous?”“Mn.”Aside from the discomfort of talking about San Niang’s looks so directly, he also has begun to suspect that San Niang doesn’t in fact look the way she portrays herself. In the photo she’d deleted, which (based on her reaction) Xie Lian thinks is a true photo of her, she’s probably much taller and more masculine than she appears in her profile photo. She might even be taller than Xie Lian.This doesn’t matter to Xie Lian whatsoever. But he’s not really interested in explaining his suspicions to Shi Qingxuan. “You worry about your looks, too, you should understand this concern. But really, it doesn’t matter to me.”“Are you saying you actually like her? Not just for her looks? Or do you not care because you’re not interested?”Xie Lian sips his soda and doesn’t answer, because he can’t. Shi Qingxuan doesn’t pry further.#Eight days into their acquaintance, San Niang texts him with a work-in-progress of Ruoye, swirling around into a delicate vase that seems to undulate as she turns the little pedestal it’s sitting on.Xie Lian swallows the lump in his throat.[It’s so beautiful] he texts, [I wish I could afford your work.][This is not for sale, gege] the other says, [it’s a gift.]At that, Xie Lian laughs hoarsely. It’s such an extravagant gift, one he knows he’ll never actually see. [How will you deliver it?] he asks, knowing full well this is a fantasy they’re both engaging in. San Niang will reply with something preposterous, like hiring a dedicated courier service, or maybe making a whole exhibition which will debut in the US, and they’ll laugh at how wildly their dreams exceed reality.But San Niang surprises him. [In my suitcase] they say. [If gege doesn’t want to meet me in person, I can deliver his gift wherever he would like me to. It should be ready by the time I leave next month.]Xie Lian’s heart, which had been aching, now speeds up. [Are you coming to the US?] he asks. He hasn’t asked whether San Niang is chatting to other people through this service. He assumes she must be, since he himself has failed at the most fundamental reason people sign up for this service—to find a life partner to help them move overseas. But there’s a difference between knowing and hearing about it. Suddenly, he’s afraid.[Yes.][Really? Did someone propose? Are they nice to you? Are you sure about their identity? I can help check they’re not a scammer.][Gege.][I just want you to be safe.][I haven’t met anyone, gege.]Oh. Xie Lian’s heart slows marginally, though the blood still rushes in his ears.[It’s one of those dating tours Director Pei sets up. Your San Niang was chosen by someone, to go to the US and meet them, so the agency is flying me and a few others next month. I said yes, because I wanted to give gege his gift in person.]Xie Lian doesn’t like that, ‘chosen’ by someone. But he can’t help. He’s not romantically interested in—anyone, really. And what if San Niang expects that from their partner? What if this person really is a good match? Would he keep San Niang away from them?[Gege?] San Niang types. [Can you tell me what you think? If you don’t want me to come I can cancel.]His fingers fly over the keyboard faster than he can think. [I want you to cancel].San Niang replies:[okay][i’m sorry][i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable]Xie Lian sees the messages coming in and his his stomach sinks. He hadn’t meant to say anything. But he doesn’t want to take it back. If San Niang had only joined the tour to see him, why can’t she just… come here instead?She’s still apologizing, even slipping into formal language again. [this one was too presumptuous, of course it would make gege uncomfortable].[No, no!] Xie Lian stops her before she can continue her self-degradation. [You didn’t make me uncomfortable. It’s only, I don’t want you to do this just for my sake.][But I want to visit.][Do you want to meet the other person?] Xie Lian finds that ache in his ribs has spread to his fingertips. It hurts to type the words in his head.[No.]His breath leaves him in a rush. The ache subsides. [Then, I have some savings, okay? You can just come visit. Don’t worry about the tour, I had to cancel the one my friend signed me up for. I’ll call Banyue and explain.][Banyue?][Yeah, she’s really nice! She’s the director of the US branch. She has two cats, and she really works too hard but since she can work from home and see them all day she really doesn’t mind. Anyway, she’ll understand.][… Gege is so cute.]Xie Lian is flummoxed by this non-sequiter. [What?][Nevermind. Gege,]The comma implies more, but nothing comes. After an interminable wait Xie Lian interrupts, worried that she might be overwhelmed by the logistics. [What days work for you? I’ll buy your tickets and send them to you. But I’ll need your information. Maybe it’s better if you to do it and I’ll pay you back? I’ll send you my WeChat number, this way I can pay you back more easily.][Has gege done this with other people?]Xie Lian wants to know how San Niang could entertain that idea, after knowing how much he keeps to himself, but he just says, [No.][Isn’t gege worried?]Yes, he thinks. He’s worried San Niang will get involved in something dangerous and hurt herself. He’s afraid of losing his new friend. [No. Why?] he says.[What if I’m not who I say I am?]Xie Lian ponders this. [Are you a dangerous person?][I might be.]Xie Lian laughs. What a serious reply. [I wouldn’t worry, even if you were.][Why?][Because, to me it’s the relationship that matters. You could be a king, and if I don’t like you we will be enemies. Or you could be a beggar and if I like you then we will be friends. If we’re fated to be friends then it doesn’t matter who we are.][Am I your friend?]The answer comes easily. [Of course you are.]In the end, San Niang refuses to exchange WeChats, furthering Xie Lian’s belief that she’s hiding her true form from him. He wants to reassure her that he doesn’t mind, but he’s also afraid of frightening her away, so he decides not to push it.He prints out the flight confirmation she sends him and pins it to his refrigerator so he won’t forget.San Niang is coming to visit. In three weeks. He can do this.

Chapter 2Hua Cheng drops the phone to the floor and presses his hands over his eyes, hard enough to hurt. He hears He Xuan step into the studio, smells the strong black tea, but doesn’t react until it’s pressed directly below his nose. Then he scowls and takes the mug, purposefully taking a big swallow while it’s still scalding.He deserves to be in pain.“What did you do this time?” He Xuan asks. He sits on the stool beside the dusty crafting table, picks off a chunk of half-dried red clay left from a student who hadn’t cleaned up.Hua Cheng groans. “I told gege I’d come visit.”“Wow. Okay.”“He still calls me San Niang.”He Xuan rolls his eyes. “So cancel.”“I already bought the tickets.”He Xuan has been drinking tea, too. Now it sprays from his mouth, re-wetting some of the clay dust on the table. “I was gone for ten minutes,” he says.“Fifteen.”This is beside the point, he knows. Most people would be incapable of messing up this badly in fifteen minutes, let alone ten.“So, you’re going to tell him, right?”“I don’t know. He has that photo of me.”“Okay.”“I’ve been sending him photos of my work.”“Okay.”“So, he knows who I am.”He Xuan’s sigh fills the room. “No, he knows what you do, not who you are. Believe it or not, it’s not the same.”“Wise words from our resident ethicist.”He Xuan has helped Hua Cheng create half a dozen fake dating profiles, to scam men out of their money. It had been an easy way to supplement his irregular income, and none of the men had dared complain when they found out their donations had gone into Hua Cheng’s bank account rather than into the luxurious hotel bookings and cross-country flights that Hua Cheng had promised. Not a single one.Men are universally scum, and if some of them are scum enough to pick up strangers while already married, or to take advantage of desperate people; well, Hua Cheng is only too happy to indulge their fantasies.Hua Cheng had believed these things wholeheartedly, before Xie Lian.It can’t be the same Xie Lian who had lived in Hua Cheng’s neighborhood, he thinks. The coincidence would be too extreme. But he’d called the stranger ‘gege’ anyway. And when they’d shown no interest in plying him with the sorts of sweet-talk that most of the men tried, or even in the earnest sort of ‘I’m different than those other men’ banter Hua Cheng sometimes encountered, Hua Cheng had become even more confused.This Xie Lian had seemed to truly not care what Hua Cheng thought of him, as long as Hua Cheng was comfortable. He’d also apologized profusely, on several occasions, for not being interested in San Niang ‘in the right way’. Hua Cheng can only assume he means in the way the ‘Heavenly Matchmakers’ site intended. But every apology only makes him feel more secure. Like he’s talking to a genuine friend, not someone with an agenda.Fifteen minutes ago, when Xie Lian had told Hua Cheng to cancel his tour, he’d nearly broken down on the spot. He Xuan had disappeared to make consolation tea. Now, He Xuan is back with the tea, and Hua Cheng owns a round-trip ticket to San Diego.“Do you have a hotel room?” He Xuan says, “For when he kicks you out?”Hua Cheng shakes his head. “They’re too expensive. If he doesn’t want to talk to me, I’ll just get on the next flight back.”He Xuan glares at him. “That’s dangerous for your health.”“Are you concerned about me?” Hua Cheng asks, a faint smile touching his lips.“Of course not. But if you get blood clots and die, then I’ll have to find a new studio-mate. Which is inconvenient.”Hua Cheng doesn’t mention that He Xuan might need to find a new studio mate, regardless. Hua Cheng has been trying to ignore the nightmare that has taken over his life outside the studio, but… there’s a reason he agreed to the tour, aside from seeing Xie Lian.If Xie Lian hadn’t invited him, he would have gone on the tour anyway, just to get away. He wouldn’t have dared meet the person who’d requested him, though. Faking your gender with a stranger looking to marry the beautiful young woman in your profile photos is very different from faking it with a friend who seems to have no interest in that sort of thing at all. Besides, it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy thinking of himself that way. He just couldn’t explain it to someone he doesn’t know.That Xie Lian apparently has no concern whatsoever about Hua Cheng’s identity both reassures and gnaws at him. He swallows it down, finishes polishing the scales of the Ruoye vase, and puts it aside to finish drying. Soon, he can fire it. Then glaze and one more round in the kiln. Then, he can deliver it to Xie Lian.He still has commissions to work on. He cuts off a loaf of clay. Kneads out the air bubbles, forms the balls, slaps one onto the wheel. He wets the wheel and lets the slippery-rough clay sand his skin as it spins. The slip coats his hands, cracks and dries. It reminds him of the moment, when he was a child, that Xie Lian had saved him. His Xie Lian.The blood had run over his hands and dried the same way the slip does now. He leans further over the wheel, ignores He Xuan’s monotonous grumble as he presses fishbone patterns into half-dried plates.He Xuan makes a decent living at his craft, but he hates it.Hua Cheng makes art, which he loves, and almost no one buys it. But when they do, he makes as much in one sale as He Xuan does in half a year.Together they pass the hours in the studio, and Hua Cheng almost calms down from the intense emotions from earlier. But they come back in an unpleasant rush when he’s walking home from the train stop, a sack of groceries in his hand, and sees the fight taking place outside his apartment door.His upstairs neighbor is once again defending him from the men that had been following Hua Cheng ever since he’d put their little crew leader into the hospital a few weeks ago.Actually, Ke Mo is a massive man. Almost comically large, with rippling muscles that scare most people into compliance. But Hua Cheng had been carrying his boning knife, E-Ming, and had nearly gutted the man on the spot when he tried to pull Hua Cheng into his car.With his long hair down, only a small beaded braid on the side, wearing his jewelry along with a long tunic and leggings, Hua Cheng could have easily been taken for a tall girl from behind. But even then, what could justify assaulting anyone randomly on the street?While lying on the ground, choking on his own blood, Ke Mo had tried to claim that Hua Cheng was trespassing in Ke Mo’s territory. Hua Cheng could only laugh. Of course, this scum would try to collect some sort of recompense for Hua Cheng’s ‘trespass’. Who cared that the price was going to be his body?“What, did you want me to pay a toll?” Hua Cheng had sneered, before tossing some coins down at the bleeding man. “You should have just said so, you shouldn’t go randomly grabbing people. Here, at least you got your toll money.”Now Ke Mo’s thugs block Hua Cheng’s door, trapping his neighbor in their circle. Hua Cheng sighs, sick anticipation settling into resignation.“I’ll call the police if you don’t leave now!” the neighbor cries.He won’t. No one will call the police over this. Hua Cheng had gone too far in defending himself. If his neighbor calls the cops, Hua Cheng is as likely to be arrested as these thugs.At the same time, this useless trash working for Ke Mo won’t call for fear of their gang affiliation being uncovered.They’re at a standstill.Hua Cheng needs to end it, before he leaves. In the next few steps between the street and his apartment, he makes his decision. He walks forward, pushes the thugs out of the way. Grabs his neighbor.“Excuse me,” he says. “I need to get Mr. Li back to his house. He’s old, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”“I absolutely do!” Mr. Li shouts, as Hua Cheng drags him up the stairs.The thugs follow closely.When Hua Cheng has safely deposited Mr. Li back in his own apartment, one of the thugs grabs the back of his shirt. Hua Cheng sighs internally, a heavy disappointment settling over him. He’s gone this far already, he can end this standoff. Xie Lian, his Xie Lian, would not approve of what he's about to do. But there are too many people coming to his apartment building, and he needs them to stop threatening his neighbors, and that will only happen if they think he’s gone for good.He holds out the knife, and as they try to force it from his hand he slices open his own stomach. He hears the yells, feels the hot gush of blood, and then things are quiet.#He wakes to rough cotton sheets and a nurse checking his temperature. When she sees he’s awake, her eyebrows raise. “Welcome back,” she says. “Do you know where you are?”“Probably the First People’s Hospital? That’s the one in my district.”The nurse’s lips purse, hiding a smile. “Well, your brain seems intact. What’s your name?”She comes closer to shine a light in his eyes, seems satisfied with the response.“Hua Cheng, but the man who called in the report might have called me Hong-er,” he says.“He did,” she confirms by checking on Hua Cheng’s chart. You got in a fight?““Mn.” Hua Cheng doesn’t agree or disagree. He tries to sit up. The pain in his stomach is immense. Why had he cut himself there? he wonders. Surely he hadn’t needed to play out the ‘revenge killing’ so literally. The nurse pushes him back down.“How long have I been out?” he asks.“A week.”Shit. He glances at the bedside table. “Where’s my phone?” he asks.“Ah, it was in your pocket, just a moment. We had to incinerate your clothes, because of the blood.”She goes to a shelf and pulls out a plastic bag. Inside, smeared with dried blood, is his phone, which lights up with another message as he stares.“Did anyone come looking for me?” he asks.She nods. “But no one has been allowed in. Sir, you're in protective custody. You were severely injured. You could have died. In the future, you should be more careful."Hua Cheng digs his phone out of the bag. The nurse sets a disinfectant wipe next to his lap, and he rubs down the screen and case. The phone lights up with a low battery warning. He looks up.“If I ask my friend to come over, will you let him in?”The nurse fidgets uncertainly.“He Xuan. He might call himself Ming Yi. I need him to bring my phone charger and some clothes from my apartment.”The nurse agrees to pass along his request. “If they decide he’s safe, they’ll let him through.”“Thanks.”After checking his pulse and asking him a few more questions, the nurse leaves, and Hua Cheng texts his studio mate.[He Xuan, I need your help.][What the hell.][Could you please bring some clothes for me? And go give Mr. Li the key to my apartment? I’m not going back there.][Fuck you. I thought you were dead.][Thank you He Xuan][They wouldn’t tell me anything.][They couldn’t. They think I was attacked. It’s not their fault.][Why didn’t you say anything?][I just woke up.]There’s a long stretch where He Xuan doesn’t answer.[And bring me a phone charger too] Hua Cheng adds.[Do you want me to tell Mr. Li you’re alive?] He Xuan asks.[I’ll text him. It’s fine.][You’re really insane, you know that?][They were threatening my people.][They’re your neighbors. Not your children.][Xie Lian would have been proud of me.] Hua Cheng lies.He Xuan speaks the truth: [No, he would’ve killed you himself if he found out. You think he’d actually be into your bullshit? After what you did to him as a kid?]Hua Cheng’s phone is dangerously low. He has maybe fifteen minutes left. [Did you text gege for me?][Absolutely not. What would I say? Hey your girlfriend’s dead? Fuck you.]Hua Cheng can’t help smiling at He Xuan’s reckless profanity. A true sign of concern. [Okay, I’m going to text him. My phone’s about to die. Come over soon.][Anything else His Royal Highness requires?][Milk tea. Green, if they have it.][You hate that stuff.][Gege said he misses it though. I want to figure out how to make it.][Gross. Fine.]After He Xuan confirms he’s coming over, Hua Cheng switches to the clunky messaging interface for the matchmaking site. There, in the chat, are dozens of messages from Xie Lian, ranging from excited confirmations of when he’ll be picking Hua Cheng up to worried questions about where Hua Cheng is, to anxious apologies for being too forward, to resigned messages saying he won’t bother Hua Cheng again if he really doesn’t want to talk. Then, back to worried messages asking if he’s okay, and to just send him a message, even one, confirming that he’s still alive.God, Hua Cheng thinks. This Xie Lian might not be his Xie Lian, but his mannerisms are so similar that Hua Cheng can’t help but merge the two in his mind. His stomach turns, imagining Xie Lian's dejection.[Gege, I’m fine,] he texts, [My phone is about to die, but Ming Yi is bringing me a charger. I’ll see you at the airport in two weeks. I’m definitely coming. I can’t wait to see you.]The reply is instantaneous. [San Niang? Is that really you?]A flutter in Hua Cheng’s heart. [Yes. I’m sorry for worrying you, I couldn’t get to my phone all week. I was a bit out of sorts.][Don’t be sorry! It’s okay, I was just worried! Are you sure you’re okay?][I’m better now that I’m talking to gege.]The words come out with little thought, but when he sees how shameless it sounds, he blushes. He really means it though, even his oxygen levels have gone up since he started texting Xie Lian. His body literally feels better.[Ah, San Niang. I feel better too. I was afraid something happened.]Hua Cheng’s heart trips over itself. [This one] he starts, then deletes, remembering that Xie Lian hates it when he uses that form of address. [I really can’t wait to meet you.][Me too.]Hua Cheng’s phone is nearly dead. [Gege, I’m going to go now, but as soon as Ming Yi brings my charger I’ll text you again, okay?][Okay.] Xie Lian says. [Get some rest.]Hua Cheng’s throat is tight. He wants to say something more, but holds back. He’s just emotional, anyone would be after not talking to Xie Lian for a week.He clicks the phone off and closes his eyes. He doesn’t exactly sleep, but he does lose track of time as he waits for He Xuan to arrive with his things.“So.” He Xuan’s voice breaks the silence a few hours later. “Your neighbor already held a funeral for you in the courtyard. Congratulations, everyone thinks you’re dead.”“Good,” Hua Cheng says, opening his eyes. He Xuan is standing there with a brand-new duffel bag in one hand and a milk tea in the other. His eyes are slightly red. “What’d you bring?”“Well, I didn’t go into your apartment. I just packed some of my stuff. Your neighbor’s going to deal with the landlord. He’ll take your stuff and get the place ready for the new tenant. He already grabbed your important documents, for the hospital, so those are in here too.”“Thanks.”“You’re insane.”“You’re a good friend.”He Xuan drops the bag on the side of the bed, unzips it, and pulls out the charger. “Here. Call your gege.”“I’m not going to call him.” Hua Cheng blanches.“After nearly dying? And losing your house? What do you have to lose?”Hua Cheng accepts the charger, plugs it into the strip by the head of the bed. The phone lights up. “Everything,” he mutters.While He Xuan watches, he texts, [Gege. Ming Yi is here. He says I should call you.][Do you want to call me? I can give you my phone number.][Do you want me to call you?] Hua Cheng can pitch his voice high, but he doesn’t really want to. He’s afraid, when Xie Lian hears him, that he won’t want Hua Cheng to come. He’ll still get on the plane, even if no one is there to greet him. It will just hurt more.[I’d like to hear your voice.]Hua Cheng’s breath catches.[But I can also wait two weeks, if you’d rather wait. Voices never sound the same on the phone as they do in real life.]There’s the consideration Hua Cheng knows. [That’s true.][What do you want to do?][I don’t want you to be disappointed when you hear me speak for the first time] Hua Cheng says truthfully.[That’s not possible.] Xie Lian assures.Xie Lian is always like this. Reassuring, considerate. Even when disagreeing, he never lets Hua Cheng feel ashamed for his point of view. What will happen when he sees Hua Cheng for the first time? When he re

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shelter

chapter 1

He’s wearing faded, patched jeans and an oversized, pilled sweater, his hair piled in a messy bun on top of his head. He looks a little older, a little smaller and more worn out, but Hua Cheng would recognize him anywhere.It’s Xie Lian.Hua Cheng stands up so quickly that he nearly spills the bag of dog food he had been picking up, and only by sheer force of will manages to readjust and catch the falling kibble before it escapes from the bag.He supposes it must look ridiculous, because Xie Lian is staring at him with his mouth hanging slightly open. Hua Cheng grimaces internally, wishing he could have been more put together for his first encounter with gege.No, he chides himself, do not call him that. Do not say it out—“Gege!” he says, and all semblance of suave assurance immediately dissipates in a cloud of butterflies. He feels so hot he’s sure he must be bright red. Why did he say that out loud?Xie Lian tilts his head in the exact same way he used to in the videos that had been taken down from Youku eight years ago, and Hua Cheng knows for sure, then. It’s really Xie Lian.“I’m sorry, I don’t think I remember you.” Xie Lian apologizes so nicely that Hua Cheng’s chest hurts. He remembers Xie Lian being kind, the first time they met, but still he hadn’t been prepared for it today. Xie Lian could have been utterly rude and Hua Cheng would still have felt this swooping in his stomach at the sight of him.“I’m sorry,” Hua Cheng shakes his head, “That was too familiar.”“It’s fine,” Xie Lian smiles faintly. “I don’t mind. I’m Lian.” He holds out a hand for Hua Cheng to shake, but retracts it before Hua Cheng can shift the bag of dog food to take his hand. Hua Cheng is more disappointed than he probably should be by this.Hua Cheng almost replies with, “I know,” but the way that Xie Lian has avoided using his family name makes him think that Xie Lian wants to be discreet, so instead he nods and replies with, “Hua Cheng. Good to meet you, Lian.”Xie Lian frowns slightly and Hua Cheng realizes he’s being very rude. “Can I help you with anything?” he asks."Um, you can..." Xie Lian purses his lips, like he’s trying not to say something, and it suddenly hits Hua Cheng. Shit. Xie Lian wants Hua Cheng to call him gege.Okay, then. “Gege?” he tries, and Xie Lian’s eyes flick up to meet Hua Cheng’s. Wow. “Are you okay?”Xie Lian bites his lower lip anxiously. “Can—ah, I don’t know, are you taking volunteers right now?”Hua Cheng has no idea if they’re taking volunteers right now, he’s new to this neighborhood and only just started working at this particular pet shelter last week, but he’ll be damned before he turns Xie Lian away.“Of course,” he says in what he hopes is a confident voice. It seems to work, because Xie Lian visibly relaxes. “When did you want to start?”“Oh”—Xie Lian looks like he hadn’t considered this before—“Is now okay?”Hua Cheng feels his heart thump in his chest and mentally says his goodbyes.“Yes! Sure, I’m about to go feed the dogs, did you want to help?”Xie Lian’s eyes sparkle, there’s no other way to describe it.“Yes, please,” he murmurs, and follows Hua Cheng through the back door.The dog kennels are large, and clean, and very clearly run-down. Everything has a threadbare quality to it, the fencing in the dog run mended over and over again and the floors of the cages stained with old messes that would never wash away completely.Hua Cheng glances at Xie Lian, wondering how the man is taking the state of things. He remembers, from Xie Lian’s videos, that Xie Lian had always been kind about the shelters he visited. As long as the animals were being properly cared for he would compliment the people working there and offer assistance from his fund to keep them going.Is he going to do that for this place? Hua Cheng wonders with a wash of confusion. He hasn’t seen Xie Lian post any new videos in years, and hasn’t heard any news of the idol in nearly as long. He isn’t sure Xie Lian is even still doing his philanthropy.The kennels are full, the dogs alternately barking excitedly at one another or at Hua Cheng when they see him carrying their meal. But when they see Xie Lian, they universally respond with a soft whine and a painfully cute tail wag. Soon, and to Hua Cheng’s complete awe, the building is calm, and the only barks that can still be heard are from the dogs who haven’t come in yet from the dog run.Xie Lian, for his part, is making Hua Cheng’s heart feel like it’s going to implode. He bends down at every single kennel to greet the dogs inside, speaking to them in a soft voice and praising them for being so good for him. The dogs wait impatiently for their turn to be pet, and when Xie Lian reaches them they gaze at the man like he’s a god.It’s embarrassing, how jealous Hua Cheng is of them. The way Xie Lian praises them is making something in his gut squirm, and he has to distract himself with filling the dog dishes before he combusts on the spot. How is gege this cute?He’s seen this, of course, on Xie Lian’s Youku channel. The star would often be shown with animals falling at his feet, climbing into his lap, trying to get closer. Even the staff members seemed universally charmed. But Hua Cheng has always assumed this was a bit of editing magic, cutting out the bits of film that didn’t fit Xie Lian’s image.He hadn’t realized it was real.“Oh! Hua Cheng,” Xie Lian calls softly as Hua Cheng begins distributing the dishes, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”Hua Cheng looks at Xie Lian, whose brow is furrowed with worry. He doesn’t like it. Xie Lian should never have that frown because of him.“Gege was helping this San Lang immensely,” Hua Cheng reassures him, “He’s done such a good job already, he’s clearly very good with animals.”Xie Lian’s nose flushes pink. “S-San Lang?” he asks.Hua Cheng wishes for the earth to swallow him whole. “Ah, gege, I apologize, I wasn’t thinking.”“Is—is that a nickname?” Xie Lian persists.“N-not exactly.” Hua Cheng doesn’t know how to explain that he’s always wanted someone to call him San Lang without sounding like an incurable romantic, or insane. His badly needed cool in front of Xie Lian is draining before his eyes.“Would you like it to be?” Xie Lian asks, and Hua Cheng thinks he really will die now.“Gege,” he complains.“Yes, San Lang?” Xie Lian asks with a smile, his frown forgotten, and Hua Cheng nearly whines.Xie Lian giggles and comes closer to help Hua Cheng distribute the food dishes. Hua Cheng feels uncomfortably close the whole time, like he’s supposed to be doing something more with his hands but doesn’t know what. He distracts himself from the feeling by answering Xie Lian’s questions about the shelter, which somehow transitions into a long conversation about the interior lives of animals.They leash up a few of the dogs to take them for a walk. Hua Cheng, who had read extensively on the subject after Xie Lian had mentioned in several of his videos that he thought dogs were much smarter than people gave them credit for, bombards Xie Lian with a long string of facts that he’s collected before stopping himself.“But, gege surely knows all of this already,” he apologizes and turns to look at Xie Lian.Xie Lian’s hair is falling out of his bun and blowing gently across his face in the breeze. The day is hot, and some of the hair sticks to Xie Lian’s skin in an unexpectedly attractive way. Of course, Hua Cheng thinks, anything to do with Xie Lian would be attractive. The man has a demeanor that just turns things beautiful.“No,” Xie Lian laughs as he fights to keep his dog walking rather than bumping constantly into his leg in search of pets, “It’s very interesting, San Lang. And even if I did know, it’s nice to hear someone else so interested in the subject.”You inspired me, Hua Cheng wants to say, but he is almost sure now that Xie Lian doesn’t want to be recognized, so he holds back. Xie Lian has been so open with his praise, but has carefully avoided asking Hua Cheng any personal questions and hasn’t offered anything about himself, either.The shelter is located on the edge of a large conservation area, with paths mowed into a huge field of tall grasses and sedges and about a hundred wildflower species (of which Hua Cheng can identify about twenty). The breeze rustles the dry plants in a background chorus that fills in their infrequent silences. In a few hours they’ve walked a dozen dogs between the two of them, and Hua Cheng reassures Xie Lian that the others were walked that morning.After an afternoon spent in the sun in his overlarge sweater, Xie Lian is sweating, but he doesn’t seem to mind.“Gege?” Hua Cheng asks.“Hm?” Xie Lian unclips the leash from a wriggling poodle. He scratches behind the dog’s ears, then digs his fingers in a little harder. The dog sits, then lays down, turning into a puddle on the floor. Xie Lian whispers to it and Hua Cheng feels that flash of that shameful jealousy again. He should not be jealous of a dog.He adjusts his hold on the large black pittbull he’s been walking. The dog is leaning heavily against his leg and staring at Xie Lian, drooling and wagging its tail like it expects Xie Lian to come pet it at any moment. Then it lunges forward a bit, and Hua Cheng tightens his hold on the leash.“No,” he says firmly to the dog. It whines and pouts at him, but stops struggling.“What?” Xie Lian looks up from the poodle he’s been petting. The dog continues its imitation of a pool of water.“Sorry, gege, E’ming wants you to pet him, I’m telling him no.”“Oh! It’s fine,” Xie Lian says and doesn’t even bother to stand up, just scoots around the poodle on his knees to come kneel in front of the impressively-sized dog. He holds out a hand for E’ming to sniff, but E’ming just starts licking it enthusiastically, and Xie Lian laughs and starts scratching behind the dog’s ears and down his sides. E’ming wiggles and whines in a very undignified manner.“Aren’t you a good boy,” he coos at the dog, and E’ming whimpers. “Yes, so good, look at you. He’s so cute, San Lang!” Xie Lian looks up at Hua Cheng for this last declaration, his eyes shining.Hua Cheng tries to stay calm. He looks down at Xie Lian kneeling at his feet and doesn’t know if he should pick him up off the ground or kneel down with him.“Gege,” he complains.Xie Lian pets E’ming a bit longer, then stands, brushing off his knees. “What were you going to ask me, San Lang?” he asks.“Oh,” Hua Cheng feels his cheeks get hot, and Xie Lian raises his eyebrows slightly, curious. “I was just going to say, if you were too hot with your sweater, I brought my gym bag, I could loan you a shirt.”Xie Lian’s mouth opens slightly, and he looks Hua Cheng up and down before saying, “San Lang is taller than me. I’m afraid I won’t fit in his clothes.”Hua Cheng swallows. “Right. Of course. I’m so sorry, gege,” he says, indistinctly, before moving to put E’ming away. Xie Lian’s hand on his elbow stops him.“What are you apologizing for?” Xie Lian asks, sounding genuinely confused.“This San Lang offered you something you don’t want. He was imposing on you, it was rude,” he says, looking away. “Gege doesn’t need to be so polite to this San Lang.”Xie Lian’s face scrunches, almost as if he doesn’t understand the words. “I’m not being polite?” he replies, “It was a nice offer.”“It was weird, gege,” he says. He can’t believe how badly he’s overstepped.Xie Lian notices the tone in Hua Cheng’s voice and tightens his grip on Hua Cheng’s elbow. “Why do you say that?” he says softly, looking at Hua Cheng.Hua Cheng peers at him for a moment, then shrugs. “You know it is. I even called you gege, earlier. Before you’d even introduced yourself.”Xie Lian frowns. “Lots of people do that, though,” he points out, and Hua Cheng has to admit he’s right. “Besides, I am older than you,” he adds with pink tinging his cheeks.“En,” is all Hua Cheng can think to say.“San Lang is polite,” Xie Lian assures him, “He doesn’t make me uncomfortable.”How? Hua Cheng wants to ask, but Xie Lian’s voice is firm, and there’s something serious in his eyes.“Gege?”“Trust me, most people I meet… are not like you. Please don’t worry about the shirt,” he says.Hua Cheng can only nod in agreement, unsure if he believes Xie Lian.They return the dogs to their kennels, and then Xie Lian follows him back to the front room. Hua Cheng holds the door for Xie Lian and dies a little when the man brushes against him as he passes.He Xuan is slouched on a stool in the main room when they enter, glaring at a couple who is playing with a rabbit in the animal interactions area as if they’ve personally offended him. When he sees Hua Cheng and Xie Lian emerge from the kennels his eyebrows raise and he glances at Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng shakes his head fractionally at He Xuan, which the other man acknowledges with a twitch of an eye, and then he’s back to glaring at the couple, ignoring Hua Cheng and Xie Lian completely.If Xie Lian notices this interaction, he doesn’t mention it. He pauses, then follows Hua Cheng over to where He Xuan is sitting. He Xuan gives Xie Lian a bored look.Hua Cheng smiles. “A-Xuan, this is Lian. He’s a new volunteer.”He Xuan’s only reaction is to clear his throat. “Lian-ge,” he acknowledges.Xie Lian tilts his head and smiles, a small, glowing thing. He holds out his hand for He Xuan to shake, and Hua Cheng feels once again a twinge of regret that it’s not his hand. He shakes himself of the feeling. He just offered Xie Lian his shirt not five minutes ago. He needs to relax.He Xuan doesn’t offer conversation, and soon Xie Lian is looking to Hua Cheng for guidance.“Gege, do you want to help me with some restocking?” he says, catching the twitch of He Xuan’s lip that he knows means his roommate is amused. “Then I think we’ll be done for the day.”“Oh! Okay,” Xie Lian says, and Hua Cheng leads him to the shelves where he’d been refilling the dog food, when Xie Lian first walked in. They note the labels on the empty containers, then go to the storage closet to find the bags of food to refill them.Xie Lian is strong, despite how scrawny he looks beneath his sweater. And his face, flushed slightly red in the warmth, looks serene as he works on this simple task. Hua Cheng always feels impatient at the end of a shift, but with Xie Lian there it feels comfortable. They don’t speak much except to coordinate their movements, but Hua Cheng notices that Xie Lian isn’t trying very hard to get out of the way when Hua Cheng warns that he’s coming up behind him, and the knowledge makes him feel warm.Then a voice cuts through the their quiet camaraderie.“Hua Cheng.”It’s Yin Yu. Hua Cheng jumps a little, then looks over his shoulder to see Xie Lian watching the new arrival closely, as though worried. He wonders for a moment what Xie Lian sees before Yin Yu says, “Non-staff aren’t allowed in the back,” sounding annoyed but not really concerned.Hua Cheng smiles to himself, turns around. “He’s a new volunteer,” he says, “He’s been a great help today.”Xie Lian is looking between Hua Cheng and the manager, brow furrowed, still not speaking. Hua Cheng smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring manner.“Make sure he fills out the volunteer form,” Yin Yu says, and Hua Cheng nods.They finish their restocking and then Hua Cheng digs out one of the forms and a pen and brings them to Xie Lian. They sit at one of the tables that seems to have been requisitioned from an elementary-school lunchroom—long, and too low for the chairs placed around it. Xie Lian isn’t as tall as Hua Cheng, but he still has to bend over awkwardly to fill in the form.Hua Cheng is sure now, watching Xie Lian’s pen hover over the form, that Xie Lian is hiding. Xie Lian is almost vibrating with tension, all his relaxed smiles from earlier gone. He lifts his hand to his face to chew on his thumbnail.“Here, gege,” Hua Cheng says, gently tugging the pen from Xie Lian’s grasp and writing down his own address. It’s barely his residence—he moved in with He Xuan just last week—but it’s an address, and he’ll think of some reason for it later, if Yin Yu notices.Xie Lian’s eyes widen and he looks over at Hua Cheng. “San Lang?” he asks.

“It doesn’t really matter, right?” Hua Cheng murmurs. “I wouldn’t want to give out my address either, if it were me. But this is He Xuan’s address. He won’t care.”Xie Lian looks startled. Glances up at Hua Cheng. Then at He Xuan, who’s lounging with his feet up on the counter, looking supremely uninterested. Yin Yu is opening cages, checking water dishes, also not paying attention.Xie Lian turns back to the form. Writes ‘Lian.’ Pauses.This should not be a difficult task. Hua Cheng is acutely aware of Xie Lian’s trembling now, and worries that if he doesn’t do something Xie Lian will get up and walk out the door and never come back.“Gege,” he says, “There’s no rule you have to give both names, just as long as they know what to call you.”Xie Lian swallows, nods. He moves on to the next line. Phone number.By now Hua Cheng is sure that Xie Lian has realized that he knows the idol is deliberately hiding. Xie Lian lets out a little giggle, slightly hysterical, and presses a hand to his forehead. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I thought—” he begins, and Hua Cheng takes the pen from him and fills out the rest. Phone number: Hua Cheng’s cell phone number. Emergency contact: He Xuan’s cell phone number.Xie Lian’s lips are pursed, but he lets it happen.Hua Cheng does want Xie Lian’s number, though. He’s worried. “Gege, I would like—” he starts to say, before Yin Yu is hovering above them and frowning.“This is unusual,” he notes, “It doesn’t look like you need Lian at all for this.”“Sorry, I should have told you, gege is actually an old friend from home,” Hua Cheng begins unthinkingly, “He just moved here and doesn’t have a place to stay, or a cell phone, so he’s been staying on our couch. And I just wrote down my phone number, since he’s always with me anyway.” The lies roll off his tongue easily, and aside from a small intake of breath, Xie Lian shows no reaction. When Yin Yu looks at him, he smiles apologetically.Yin Yu turns to He Xuan with eyebrows raised. “You have two childhood friends I didn’t know about?”Hua Cheng hides his smirk. Until Hua Cheng had shown up, he knew, no one would have believed He Xuan had even one friend.He Xuan leans back on his stool and frowns. “He’s not my friend,” he says, and Hua Cheng can practically see Xie Lian’s heart stop before He Xuan continues, “He snores.”Hua Cheng is grinning now. He meets He Xuan’s eyes, and He Xuan rolls his eyes in reply.Xie Lian makes an incredulous noise. “I do not.”“You do,” He Xuan retorts in a tone that allows no argument.Yin Yu looks between all three of them, apparently decides he doesn’t understand anything anymore, and waves Hua Cheng and Xie Lian off after collecting the fabricated form.Hua Cheng follows Xie Lian outside. He almost works himself up to ask for Xie Lian’s phone number again, but the way the idol had looked while filling out the volunteer form, stops him. What if asking just made Xie Lian more nervous?The evening is still muggy, and the cicadas are singing. He goes to unlock his bicycle and sees there’s another bike there, next to his and He Xuan’s, no helmet in sight. Xie Lian walks up next to him and starts to unlock the extra bicycle.“Gege,” he blurts, “Where’s your helmet?” He knows he sounds pedantic, but Xie Lian is going to be getting on his bicycle and wandering into traffic at a busy part of the day and he doesn’t have a backpack and Hua Cheng is pretty sure even if those sleeves are big he doesn’t have a helmet hidden inside them.“Oh,” Xie Lian’s eyebrows furrow in a tiny, beautiful frown, “I didn’t think about that.”“Here.” Hua Cheng unhooks his and holds it out for Xie Lian.“I can’t take yours,” Xie Lian argues, looking worried.“Please?” Hua Cheng asks, continuing to hold the helmet out for him.“But how will San Lang stay safe?” Xie Lian asks.“He’ll be very careful,” he says with a smile. “This San Lang is sure gege will be biking farther than he is.”Xie Lian swallows, takes the helmet. Their fingers brush accidentally, and Hua Cheng feels it like a rush of energy up his arm.Xie Lian apparently doesn’t notice, because he simply puts on the helmet and clicks it closed. It’s a bit too loose. He glances up at Hua Cheng. “Ah, San Lang…” he says.Hua Cheng’s heart seizes, and he reaches out to unbuckle the helmet, slide the straps through the clasps until they’re tight enough, and then rebuckle the helmet securely under Xie Lian’s chin. The action leaves his hands almost trembling. He tries not to let his fingers touch Xie Lian’s face (he wasn’t asking for that! he reminds himself), but they do a few times, and Xie Lian breathes very carefully.They watch each other for a long moment after Hua Cheng finishes, and Hua Cheng wonders if Xie Lian feels the same strange tingling he does. The same strange feeling, almost like pain, that has gripped his chest, his arms, his hands where they’re hanging lonely at his sides.“Thank you” Xie Lian murmurs, then turns back to his bike.“Wait, gege!”Xie Lian looks up.“When are you coming back?” he asks.Xie Lian bites his lip. “I’m not sure?” he says. “Maybe tomorrow?”Hua Cheng can feel his breath leave his body in a rush. “Okay,” he says, “I work every day, except Thursdays. So I’ll see you tomorrow.”“O-oh!” Xie Lian’s face brightens. “Okay, until tomorrow, then,” he says, and Hua Cheng’s heart flutters.“Bye, gege,” he says, watching Xie Lian climb onto his bicycle and disappear down the road.He stands there for a moment, his thoughts scattered, before moving to unlock his own bike. He’s not as careful as he’d promised he would be, but he makes it home, spreads out his painting supplies across every spare surface in his bedroom, and disappears with his thoughts for an indeterminate period before He Xuan arrives.He’s standing in the doorway of Hua Cheng’s room, studying him, when Hua Cheng looks up with a start and spills yellow ink across the carpet.He Xuan huffs. “You’re paying for that,” he says. It’s only been a week, but there are already so many stains Hua Cheng knows he’ll need to replace the carpet before he moves.“Sure,” he agrees absently. He turns back to the image of Xie Lian he’d been painting. Golden, wrapped in traditional robes, royal blue and gold ribbons streaming around him.“So. He lives with us?” He Xuan intones.Hua Cheng scratches the back of his neck. “A-Xuan. He didn’t want to share his address. Is that so strange?”He Xuan sits cross legged against the wall next to the doorframe. “Yeah, a bit,” he says. “He hasn’t been famous for ten years.”“Eight,” Hua Cheng interrupts automatically.He Xuan just humphs.“I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Or not want to come back,” Hua Cheng says, the back of his neck hot as he bends over the painting again.“And pretending he lives with you helps with that?” He Xuan asked, a note of amusement in his tone.“A-Xuan,” Hua Cheng complains.He Xuan sits quietly for a long time while Hua Cheng paints. The room is silent except for the swirl and tap of Hua Cheng’s brushes against the water cup.“You think something’s wrong?” He Xuan finally asks.Hua Cheng nods, not looking up.They’re quiet for a while longer. He Xuan doesn’t ask, and Hua Cheng doesn’t speculate.“Okay. Well, I hope you see him again,” He Xuan says finally.Hua Cheng looks up then, feeling a lightness bubbling up in his chest. “He said he’s coming back tomorrow,” he says, unable to hold back his smile.“Tomorrow, then,” He Xuan agrees, then wanders off (Hua Cheng assumes) in search of something to eat.

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boneturtle's

we've shared a bed before!

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It’s past late, it’s dumping rain, and they still haven’t found Pei Ming or their driver.In the insanity that is downtown Bangkok, the traffic hasn’t actually quieted down, but Xie Lian’s eyes are heavy and he’s having a hard time keeping up with Hua Cheng, who has his hand in a tight grip so they don’t get separated.Hua Cheng stops walking but Xie Lian continues, right into him.“Oh! San Lang!” he exclaims, patting Hua Cheng’s wet windbreaker in apology and noticing again how fine the body beneath the thin fabric really is. Then he blushes, embarrassed at the thought. Hua Cheng already has a beloved. And, anyway! It’s not like he thinks about Hua Cheng in… that way.Hua Cheng doesn’t seem to notice. He turns to look at Xie Lian, and a frown creases his forehead. “Gege, let’s take a break.”“No! San Lang,” Xie Lian is so exhausted his eyes are prickling with tears, “This is my fault, I’m fine to keep going if you are.”He had left his wallet and phone in the car with their driver when Hua Cheng had taken him to dinner, offering to translate since Xie Lian didn’t speak Thai. By the time they had left the restaurant the car had disappeared. The restaurant owner had explained to Hua Cheng, amusement in his tone, that there was no way their driver would have been allowed to loiter for the length of time Xie Lian and Hua Cheng had been engaged in their dinner, which was apparently a very long time. It hadn’t felt that long to Xie Lian.Hua Cheng shifts his grip, playing with Xie Lian’s hand. Xie Lian’s skin tingles where Hua Cheng’s fingers ghost over his palm. It almost tickles, but in a very good way. Xie Lian is momentarily distracted.“Gege,” Hua Cheng says, hand sliding over Xie Lian’s, “I’m tired too. Let’s find a place to sleep. We can call your manager in the morning.”They can’t call Pei Ming with Hua Cheng’s phone because, true to his punk rock status, the singer does not have his own phone.Xie Lian, looking down at their joined hands, nods. “Okay,” he agrees, feeling very well cared for in that moment. They’re in a foreign place, which is nothing new to Xie Lian, but what is new is the feeling of being with someone he trusts to take care of him. Usually he’s the one keeping his bandmates Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan out of trouble. Now, Hua Cheng is keeping him safe.They walk a bit further until Hua Cheng pulls him under an awning. “Here,” he says, and leads Xie Lian past a postage stamp garden and through the front door of the building. Inside appears to be a lobby of some kind, but it’s tiny: just a small hall, a counter, and past it a pair of elevators.The receptionist looks up and smiles, and he and Hua Cheng begin a back and forth that Xie Lian can’t begin to follow, but there’s something about the way Hua Cheng confidently shifts between languages that makes Xie Lian feel that same ticklish warmth inside.Hua Cheng is still holding his hand.After a few seconds Hua Cheng turns to Xie Lian, worry in his eye. “He says they only have one pod left, gege.”Pod? Is that what they call the rooms here?, he wonders. Xie Lian shrugs. “Oh! Well, that’s fine, isn’t it? We’ve shared a bed before.”Hua Cheng’s eye widens. Xie Lian notes the desk clerk watching them expectantly and says, “It’s fine, San Lang, right? I’ll try not to kick too much in my sleep.”Hua Cheng swallows, closes his eye. Then, with the attitude of someone walking towards his own demise, he turns back to the clerk and accepts the key.Xie Lian wonders what the big deal is. He and San Lang have shared a bed before! On the very first night of their tour, when they had stayed in a room with Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan. Otherwise one of them would have had to sleep on the floor. This won’t be any different.- - -This is very different. Xie Lian tries again to press himself up against the wall so his limbs aren’t accidentally touching Hua Cheng. It isn’t working. The bed is truly narrower than most couches, and even if they both lay on their sides the distance between them is unconscionably close. Xie Lian shifts his leg, brushes against the back of Hua Cheng’s knee, then squeaks quietly and presses himself backward again against the wall of the capsule.He should have known, when they went through the locker room and the shared bathroom, that this wasn’t a normal hotel, but he’d simply gone along with it, sleepy and content, changing into the slippers and pajamas provided by the hotel. They had only received one set; Xie Lian is wearing the thin cotton shirt and trousers while Hua Cheng wears the shorts that are meant to be underwear.In short, they are both wearing far too little clothing, and Xie Lian is now wide awake and wondering what he’d done in a past life to be punished in this way.“Gege,” Hua Cheng sighs, “You’re never going to be able to sleep like that.” His voice is barely louder than a breath; the sleeping area is supposed to be completely silent. The walls of the pods are thin, and they're stacked one next to the other like storage crates.“It’s fine!” Xie Lian whispers, “San Lang, please go to sleep.”Hua Cheng turns, very slowly, and gives Xie Lian a look. “Gege needs to sleep more than San Lang. I can go—”Without thinking, Xie Lian puts a hand over Hua Cheng’s mouth to stop him, and Hua Cheng’s eye widens. Xie Lian is uncomfortable, to be sure, but he would be panicked if Hua Cheng weren’t here. Without him, this tiny space would feel like a coffin.“No, San Lang paid for it, he should have the bed, I can go,” Xie Lian says, then repeats himself, his lips close to Hua Cheng’s ear, when it seems that Hua Cheng hasn’t heard him. Then he realizes with a start that his hand is pressed against Hua Cheng’s mouth and removes it.Hua Cheng licks his lips. “Gege,” he says, trying to pull Xie Lian down from where he’s hovering above Hua Cheng.Xie Lian resists. “San Lang, I’m too heavy for you,” he says, and Hua Cheng gives him a stern look. Then he tugs on Xie Lian’s shoulders until Xie Lian relents, lowering himself down and resting his head on Hua Cheng’s chest. He can feel Hua Cheng’s heart beating so furiously against his ribcage he wonders if it hurts.Xie Lian is himself feeling a bit strained. Hua Cheng’s skin is soft, and warm, and he wants to run his hands down it just to feel it under his fingertips. He turns his head a tiny bit to nuzzle his cheek against Hua Cheng, then freezes, ashamed. He’s taking advantage of Hua Cheng’s kindness. Hua Cheng wants him to sleep, not do whatever it is Xie Lian is doing to him.Hua Cheng lets his hands, which had been on Xie Lian’s shoulders, drop to his sides, like he’s suddenly afraid of touching Xie Lian more than he has to. He’s lying flat on his back, legs straight out, and Xie Lian knows this can’t be comfortable for him. He raises up and sees the distress on his face.“Oh, San Lang, I’m sorry!” Hua Cheng holds a finger to his lips, and Xie Lian moves closer to whisper directly into his ear, “Maybe you should be on top and I’ll be bottom?”Hua Cheng lets out a puff of air next to his ear. It’s surprisingly pained, for a puff of air. “Isn’t it the same,” he murmurs so softly it’s like the voice is inside Xie Lian's head, “Top or bottom?”Xie Lian thinks he understands what Hua Cheng is saying; Hua Cheng would be equally uncomfortable either on top of Xie Lian or beneath him. But Xie Lian would feel better if he wasn’t draping himself on top of the other man, less like he was doing something offensive, and so he maneuvers them until Hua Cheng is on top, holding himself up with one hand pressed beside Xie Lian's head. Xie Lian looks at the flushed face above him and realizes the flush extends down Hua Cheng’s chest. Xie Lian's breathing becomes more ragged, and Hua Cheng’s breath comes in tiny pants that are almost soundless but which Xie Lian can feel, as they're pressed chest-to-chest.“Gege,” Hua Cheng starts, then lowers down to whisper in Xie Lian's ear again. “What are you trying to do?”Hua Cheng’s knee had fallen between Xie Lian’s legs when Xie Lian had pulled the singer on top of him, and when Hua Cheng moves to whisper in Xie Lian’s ear that leg shifts, pressing against something Xie Lian has been trying very hard to ignore. He inhales sharply, then claps a hand over his mouth.Hua Cheng pulls back, looking shocked. Judging by the way he flips from panting to not breathing at all, Xie Lian thinks it’s probably the bad sort of shocked.“I’m sorry,” he mouths, not letting any sound out. He shakes his head, closes his eyes. Hot shame courses through him. Hua Cheng has been nothing but a friend ever since they started this tour, it’s been Xie Lian who keeps reading too much into things. And now this. Hua Cheng was only trying to give him some rest, and instead Xie Lian—Hua Cheng does it again.Xie Lian’s eyes open, and he looks up at Hua Cheng, who is breathing so softly it might not be there at all. His eye is searching Xie Lian’s face.“Gege,” he breathes.“San Lang, I—" he begins, then pulls Hua Cheng’s face close. The man lets himself be dragged down. He murmurs into Hua Cheng’s ear. "I thought you had a beloved? That song you sing, for every opening—”“Who did you think it was for?” Hua Cheng whispers back, sending shivers down Xie Lian’s spine and out to his toes, which curl involuntarily.Xie Lian nearly laughs, he’s so giddy. But instead he pushes Hua Cheng back a little, to look at him. Hua Cheng seems totally focused as he stares back. It’s not the look of someone who’s lying just to make Xie Lian feel better about what’s happening.Xie Lian licks his lips and shivers again as he sees Hua Cheng’s eye shift to watch the movement. He lets his mouth fall open and can feel Hua Cheng’s breathing stop again, then he lifts a hand to Hua Cheng’s cheek and Hua Cheng’s breath starts up again in shallow pants. He guides Hua Cheng’s face back to his, and then they’re kissing, and it’s even better than he imagined.Truthfully, Xie Lian has kissed Hua Cheng once before, when they were both drunk, but Xie Lian doesn’t count that because it was brief and Hua Cheng has always acted like he doesn’t remember. He thought perhaps he was a bad kisser and Hua Cheng regretted it, or maybe the other singer had been too drunk to remember, but now Hua Cheng is pulling away and murmuring against his ear, fingers tickling Xie Lian’s other ear as he does so, “I’ve been thinking about this ever since you kissed me in Manila.”Xie Lian whines, and Hua Cheng carefully presses a hand to his mouth to cut off the noise. Xie Lian remembers with a start where they are. His eyes are wide as he stares up at Hua Cheng, who gives him a slow, sly grin.Hua Cheng moves his leg between Xie Lian’s again, and this time Xie Lian rolls his hips to meet him. Xie Lian’s heart is beating so rapidly he thinks it might burst out of his chest, and he pulls Hua Cheng back down into another kiss. Hua Cheng’s fingers brush his cheek before moving to curl around the shell of his ear, and finally to tangle in his long hair. Xie Lian wants to whimper but there’s something unbearably erotic about having to stay so silent, so he holds back, putting all of his energy into running his hands over Hua Cheng’s skin like he’s wanted to for so long. It feels so good under his palms, and the more Xie Lian touches the more he wants.Hua Cheng breaks away to gasp against Xie Lian’s neck, and Xie Lian loves the feeling of this man so wrung out against him, but he wants to be closer. He hooks his leg under Hua Cheng’s, pulls it over until the other man is lying between his legs. Then he wraps his legs around Hua Cheng’s waist.Hua Cheng bites him, nearly hard enough to break the skin, and then he’s licking over it like an apology. But Xie Lian understands; as his hard cock presses against Hua Cheng’s through their clothes he wants to whimper and only stops himself by pressing his own fist to his mouth. He pets the back of Hua Cheng’s head until Hua Cheng lifts up, takes in Xie Lian’s undoubtedly wrecked face, and starts kissing him again. This time he’s hungry, his tongue moving into Xie Lian’s mouth like he wants to claim it, and Xie Lian has to use all his wherewithal to keep from moaning.

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